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The knife

How to be Iron Chef - Steak

Posted on the 2nd of August at 04:18 pm
Well, it's been almost a year since the last Leet Eats update, but I can promise you that the time was productively spent, as I'm sure you'll agree after reading this entry.

One thing that the Leet Eats crew has been paying special attention to this year is Steak. It's an Australian stalwart but in our opinion the majority of steaks in the community are at best average. I don't mean to disparage what many people quite rightly enjoy, but we're not in the business of accepting the mediocre here at Leet Eats. The reason for the length of time between updates is simple. For the past eight months the Leet Eats team have been on an intensive Steak Training course in the Highlands of Scotland. There an international team of cooks, farmers and butchers drilled into us the three essential aspects of the perfect steak - The Cut, The Cook, The Serve. Known as the "Steak Kata", this method of steak preparation takes many years of training to master... but once perfected, will certainly earn you the title of "Iron Chef - Steak" amongst your friends.

Now, let's be honest here - our training has turned us into meat snobs. There's NOTHING wrong with a supermarket $15 a kilo cut, it's just not going to be delicious. A truly excellent steak should bring tears to the eyes of grown men, and deserve a moments silence once the last morsel is devoured.

The Cut



The longest journey starts with the first step. If the first step is in the wrong direction, you will never reach your destination. THE CUT is the most important part of the perfect steak. Simply put, if you have a bad steak, no amount of culinary wizardry will turn it into anything more than an average meal. Of course, that's not to say that you need to buy $50 a kilo steak EVERY time you want to have a delicious piece of meat - it's still very possible to buy good quality steak from your supermarket, you just need to know what you are looking for. THE most important thing is the marbling - a steak with a nice piece of fat around the outside and a beautiful pink colouring LOOKS good, but when you cook it it will be tough... what you want is a good marbling of fat throughout the meat. Personally I prefer a New York Cut (or sirloin), Scotch fillet is also good, though you really need a thicker cut as it has a tendency to shrink when cooked. BEWARE of Rump and T-Bone - they're pub favourites for a reason! They are cheap but they're much better suited to a BBQ; they often dry out. They can still be quite tasty, but they're a weeknight meat and 2 veg meal. Blade steak is only really good for a stir fry.
Fillet steak and Rib Eye are interesting cuts, they can be quite thick and lack the marbling you'd want from sirloin but are still tasty. Wagu is the opposite, it's usually SUPER marbled but be careful; it's often too rich because of all the fat. It's very tender, but does not have as good a flavour (as the fat tends to overpower the flavour of the meat). Excellent for Tataki though.

The Cook



This part of the Steak Kata is very much open to interpretation. As part of our training we studied under several different Steak Grand Masters - each Master would then chose his or her pupils based on where their natural skills lay. As such we cannot tell you the exact "right" way to cook a steak, as there are several schools which produce similarly excellent results. The French school mixes a quantity of butter with the cooking oil and cooks the steak rare, finishing it in the oven. The method I prefer is simpler and less prone to overcooking in the oven, though your friends will think you are Rain Man as it requires a bit of muttering to yourself.

Firstly, your steak should be at room temperature. Leave it out of the fridge for an hour or two before cooking, this will ensure that it's cooked evenly and not too rare or cold in the middle. A few minutes before cooking put some oil on a plate and dip the steaks in it. They should be lightly coated, this method uses no heated oil in the pan prior to cooking.

On the topic of pans - it's VERY important to know your pans, and your stove. I've fucked up MANY steaks using other people's equipment, just because I didn't know how hot they got, and how quickly. A thick bottomed pan is better, I use a Scanpan, but any cast iron pan is fine. The thin teflon non-stick ones aren't very good as they don't hold their heat - they're either too hot or too cold.

Once your steak is coated, heat your pan. A common technique is to heat the pan to a nuclear temperature to "Seal" the meat - this is WRONG. You should only do this with a poor cut of meat that will dry out if it's cooked for a longer period. Heat the pan on a gas cooker at about 75%, for a couple of minutes. You're after a medium-high consistent heat. Now comes the Rain Man bit - throw the steaks in (don't crowd the pan) and cook for two minutes on each side per centimeter of thickness. Just before turning you might want to turn the heat up slightly, but turn it down after the second side has seared a bit. I do this by counting to myself under my breath, but don't lose count! It's amusing when people try and talk to you but you're deep in concentration trying not to forget which number you're up to :)

There are lots of methods to prodding the meat to determine how cooked it is, in my experience these don't work that well - it's very dependent on the cut of meat you have; you're better off going by the length of time in the pan.


The Serve



The first bite is with the eye. When you cook a steak the meat bunches up when it's heated. Once you're finished cooking you should leave the meat to rest for AT LEAST the same amount of time that you spent cooking it. Put it on a separate plate, it will bleed a lot of meat juices which you can then put into any sort of gravy that you might make. It also means that your serving plate won't be awash with meat juices. This step is very important and will ensure a nice, tender steak.

A gravy or sauce can be constructed at this point - any combination of mushrooms, shallots, beef stock, green peppercorns, a bit of cream or butter and meat Jus can be chucked into your cooking pan and simmered. If you have time you can reduce the gravy to a nice consistency, but a little bit of corn flour mixed with water will do the job as well. Don't put too much in our your gravy will taste floury.

Finally, a good steak is always best accompanied by cooked vegetables, rather than a salad. The advantage here is that any spare gravy goes very well with the vegies.

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So there you have it - don't settle for shitty $10 pub steak, it's $10 for a reason! Don't sear a rump steak and expect it to be delicious! Go out of your way to find a good cut of meat and cook it right! We promise it will be worth it :)

The knife

"In Avocado" Pr0n and Mango Salad

Posted on the 21st of September at 11:57 am
Current Location: JFK
Current Music: Hold Your Colour (Bi-Polar Mix) - Pendulum
So, the beginning of Spring brings a start to BBQs, new Pendulum albums and POOLIO... I'm already looking forward to the Australia Day BBQ, hopefully the Police won't come this time...

Since Saturday was really hot it was a good opportunity to try to re-create a salad that I'd had at the Mercure in Phuket. This summer is officially the summer of Mangos - we'll be trying every Mango recipe that we can, and there are a couple that we've got planned that will rip shit up. I'm not sure if that's a really appropriate description for a foodstuff, but hey, the Leet Eats team is aiming for flavours that will actually render you incapable of speech

This one's pretty good too - a bit fiddly to make, but it's delicious... FULL of flavour!

"In Avocado" Pr0n and Mango Salad



INGREDIENTS

2 Avocados
2 Ripe Mangos
18 Pr0ns, cooked and peeled
2 Limes
1 Lemon
1 Bunch of Coriander
1 Baby Cos Lettuce


Ok, this recipe is actually pretty short, nothing technical about it... Give me a break though eh? It's the first Leet Eats entry for months, I have to ease back into it!

Step teh Ein - Cut the Mangos, Avocados and Pr0ns up into 1 cubic centimeter pieces (and not a millimeter more!).

Step teh Zwei - Shred the Coriander and Cos Lettuce. The Lettuce was a suggestion from one of the crew; it's actually a really good idea since it adds a bit of crunch to the salad without detracting from the taste.

Step teh Drei - Mix everything up in a bowl, and juice the limes and lemons over the top. You could use just limes, but they are more expensive than gold at the moment!

Step teh Fier - Ok, this is the leet bit - wash out the insides of your Avocado skins, and spoon the salad mixture in. Serve in the skins for super leetness points!

There you go - a simple yet interesting and tasty recipe that goes perfectly with a cool refreshing lager and is a good complement to the GIANT STEAK that you just cooked on the BBQ. Stay tuned for more recipes though the summer months! If you're lucky there will even be the promised BBQ special... Watch this space.

Tasty

Delicious and Leet!

The knife

Leet Pr0k Laab

Posted on the 4th of May at 11:10 am
Current Music: Birds outside
Thai food is a bit of an enigma. Throughout the 90's a lot of Asian cuisines became 'flavours of the month' for a while, but of all of them, only Thai has had the prevalence and staying power to still be so common in 2008. Maybe it's their blatant piracy of other cultures' food like the Malaysian Laksa, maybe it's the names of their dishes that must ALWAYS have three words, like a mini haiku. Or maybe it's the fact that it's actually really hard to recreate the flavours of Thai cooking at home - try making a Tom Yum Goon, Pad Se Ew, or Pad Thai at home. Without using one of those shitty MSG filled pre-made sauces it's fucking difficult.

The main reason is the undenyable RULE of Thai Cooking - It all tastes and smells like crap until it's finished. Think about the ingredients - Fish sauce (smells like vomit), Lime juice (sour on its own), Tamarind paste (weird tasting), Shrimp Paste (YUCK), Lemongrass and Kaffir Lime Leaves (Which are actually inedible!). SOMEHOW all these ingredients end up being tasty around 5 minutes before you serve. The theory is that some sort of Thai Cooking Pixie sneaks in and takes away all of the bad smells, leaving you only with the tastiness. Legend has it that these pixies have nest around Chiag Mai... if we could only get the funding to mount an expedition to capture a breeding pair, we'd be rich, RICH!

BREAKING NEWS: The Thai cooking pirates have struck again! Doing some research for this entry I discover that Laab is actually LAOTIAN. A pirates life yo ho indeed!

Anyway, this recipe is one that is actually pretty easy, it doesn't require any crazy ingredients and you don't have to pre-prepare any strange pastes by means of heathen moonlight rituals. Which is good.

Leet Pr0k Laab



INGREDIENTS

600g Minced Pr0k
1 Bunch Coriander (roughly chopped
1/4 Bunch Thai Basil (or normal basil will do for this dish)
2 Red Capsicums (diced)
3 Long Red Chilis (seeded I'd recommend, then chopped finely)
3 Bok Choi (just the leaves, roughly shredded)
4 Shallots (Cut finely, the white bits and the green bits separate)
Fish Sauce
5 Limes (juiced)
1 tablespoon Ginger (minced finely)
8 Kaffir Lime Leaves
2 cloves garlic (crushed)
Lemongrass (bruised and tied in a knot)
1 Tablespoon Tamarind Paste
Brown Sugar

OK the trick to this recipe is to make it super stinky and nasty a the start, then add all the other ingredients and get Thai Cooking Pixie to take away the bad smells. First up, cut up all the ingredients so everything is ready to throw in.

Heat your wok and brown the Prok. Ha that rhymes. Throw in the lemongrass, but don't cook it too fast, add the Kaffir lime leaves, and uh... add about 2 tablespoons of fish sauce and the juice of one lime. I can't think of anything to rhyme with leaves, so from here you need to reduce the fluid that comes out of the Pr0k, while letting it absorb the flavour of the Lime, Kaffir leaves, lemongrass, ginger, garlic, tamarind paste and fish sauce. You'll need to cook it for about 15 minutes on a low heat.

Once the Pr0k has reduced and is quite dry it's time to add the other ingredients. First up throw in the white parts of the shallots, and let them cook for a bit. Add another lime and 2 tablespoons of fish sauce at this point. After a minute or two, add the diced capsicum and chili, 3/4 of the coriander and the basil. The recipe is now safe to taste. If it's too salty, add some brown sugar until it's more palatable.

Cook for a further minute, the rest of the lime, more fish sauce, the bok choi and the green parts of the shallots. Once the Bok choi is wilted you're ready to serve! Garnish with the remaining coriander and serve over white rice. There shouldn't be too much fluid with this dish, but it will be very strongly flavoured, and if the Thai Cooking Pixies have done their work, super tasty :)

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Leet Pr0k Laab, ready to eat!

The knife

Bob's Your Uncle Folk Laksa

Posted on the 16th of March at 04:36 pm
Current Location: JFK
Current Music: Cat Among the Pidgeons - Roaring Jack
Apparently this recipe was first put together by Dave Swarbrick back in 1973 and featured in the classic Fairport Convention cookbook entitled "Old, New, Borrowed, Thai". Most famously it was covered by the Pogues in their 1985 collection "Rum, Sodomy and authentic Thai cooking for the Modern Kitchen", and remains popular favorite at the Cropredy Folk Cook-out.

All right, all right... I'll stop with the pointlessly obscure folk music references and get on to the actual recipe. This one was donated by my Uncle, who is as you may have guessed, named Bob. I've got no idea where he got it from, no doubt some long haired bearded druid dreamed it up while covered in mud and filled with LSD at a folk music festival and Bob just happened to be standing nearby a pen and paper. The insane babblings of this chemically altered madman seem to have been genius though, because the recipe is great.

In typical Leet Eats style, it's not enough to get Laksa paste out of a jar like most "Authentic Traditional" Thai restaurants, we have to make it from scratch for MAXIMUM Leetness!

I'm told that this recipe only works if made by a Folk Musician, Bolshevik or a Unionist... luckily one of our Leet Eats team works for the NSW Nurses Association

Bob's Your Uncle Folk Laksa



INGREDIENTS



Laksa Paste

Six Shallots
1 tablespoon Grated Ginger
3-4 cloves of crushed garlic
2 stalks of lemon grass
6 Dried Chilies
8 Ground Macadamia nuts
1 teaspoon of shrimp paste
1 Handful of Vietnamese Mint (or long leaf mint)
1 handful of Coriander leaves
2 Kaffir Lime leaves
1 teaspoon tumberic
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon cumin
1 Tablespoon of fish sauce
1 Lime (zest and juice)
1 teaspoon of sesame oil

Laksa Soup

100g Rice Vermicelli
300g Hokkien Noodles
10 Portions of Fried Tofu
8 Pr0ns per person (de-veined and shelled... leave the tails on)
500g Chicken breast (or thigh)
2 Liters of Chicken Stock
500ml Coconut Milk
2 Teaspoons Brown suger
1 teaspoon Salt
5 Kaffir Lime Leaves
1 cup Bean Sprouts
1 cucumber (cut into matchsticks)
Fresh Mint and Coriander and lime and Sambal to garnish


Yes, this recipe is SUPER Leet - how could it not be with that many ingredients!?!? Luckily the actual preparation isn't too difficult. The paste itself is so simple even the most baked of hippies could manage it after getting home from a Jefferson Airplane concert. Take all the ingredients, giggle at the purple elephants climbing the wall, and chop them up finely. Grab your handy food processor and blend into a paste, adding fish sauce or sesame oil if it gets too dry.

Get your noodles ready, de-vein the pr0ns and cook the chicken before you start making the soup. - you don't actually cook anything in the soup so make sure everything is pretty much ready to eat (except for the Pr0ns).

Now, turn your range hood on for the next bit... the first thing you need to do is fry the paste. Try not to let it smoke too much, because with all the chili it will have about the same effect as mustard gas! Once it's nice and browned take off your gas mask and add the chicken stock, sugar and salt. Bring the soup to the boil - this is the only time you'll boil it! Reduce the heat and add the coconut milk and kaffir lime leaves. Once it's heated up and mixed in, add the chicken, tofu and the Pr0ns. The Pr0ns will take only a minute or so to cook, so you'll want to get the bowls ready.

Add the cooked noodles to the bowls and sprinkle some beans sprouts over the top. Pour the soup over the top, making sure everyone has EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF PR0NS to avoid conflict later. Put the cucumber slices down one side, and sprinkle coriander and a bit of mint over the top. Take the lime and fish sauce to the table, you can add these to taste. If you're lucky enough to have some Sambal add it too!

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I promise you this will taste about fifty times better than anything that you make with a Laksa paste! Or may the ghost of Sandy Denny strike me down!

The knife

HARDCORE TARTS!

Posted on the 8th of December at 03:17 pm
Current Music: Fear - Mind.In.A.Box
I've discovered if you search Google for some basic recipe names, Leet Eats actually comes up pretty high on the list... So I thought I'd call this recipe Hardcore Tarts - partly because Gaz will see this title and think I've posted some pictures of him, and partly because it's VERY difficult to maintain a hardcore reputation if you ever say "Hey try one of these delicious fruit tarts I've made"...

Ah well, I'll just have to punch some penguins to make up for it.

Ok - tarts are delicious, but they are SUPER fiddly to make. Make sure you have a ready supply of beer or straight whiskey to maintain your manhood while you're making them too.

HARDCORE TARTS!



INGREDIENTS

Shortcrust Pastry
1 Liter of Milk
100g Castor Suger
4 Eggs - beaten
Vanilla essence
50g Corn Flour
250g Rice or dried beans
Butter


Raspberry Jameson version
200g Raspberries (fresh if you can get them, frozen if you can't)
Raspberry Jam

Cherry Saint version
200g Pitted black cherries (fresh is better, but they're very hard to find)
Cherry Jam (Get one without bits of cherry in it if you can)


Ok, the first thing you need to do is blind bake the tart cases. You'll need a baking tray designed for tart - the one with the rounded bottoms, not the cylindrical ones (they're for XXX muffins). I'd recommend getting at least 2 trays as it will make the blind baking a lot quicker. Blind baking is probably the LEAST fun you can have in the kitchen unless your house is invaded by Canadian Rape Bears, but you need to do it to ensure delicious tarts. Cut out your tart shapes from the pastry and press them into the baking trays (grease the trays first with butter). Cut a square of foil for each of the tarts and fill them with rice or beans, and press them gently into the tarts. Bake for about ten to fifteen minutes on about 180, then take the trays out and remove the foil and rice/beans. Don't let any of the rice/beans fall onto the tarts themselves... nothing worse than a crunchy surprise when you're enjoying a hardcore tart!

Brush the cases with one of the beaten eggs and return to the oven for a further 5-10 minutes (until golden). Once they're done, take them out and set aside to cool.

At some stage you need to make the custard - confectioners custard to be specific. A bit tricky, it's worth getting extra ingredients just in case it doesn't work. First boil your milk... as SOON as it boils take it off the heat. Beat your 3 eggs in with the sugar and vanilla, add a little water to the cornstarch and turn it into a paste, then add it to the egg/sugar recipe. Add slowly to the boiling milk, whisking all the time. Simmer for about a minute, bring to the boil for another second and continue to whisk until it thickens. If you want to be really cunning you can boil a vanilla pod in with the milk at the start. Once it has thickened a bit, pour into a bowl and leave aside to cool.

Only a few ingredients, but such a pain in the ass! Ok, so less than Canadian Rape Bears, but you get the point. Once the custard and the tart cases are ready it's time to combine them. First put a spoon of Custard in each tart case, then top with some raspberries or cherries. Heat your jam on the stove or in the microwave until it's runny, then drizzle a teaspoon over the top. Put in the tarts in the fridge so the jam sets on top, and you're done! Serve chilled with the remains of your masculinity :)

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Delectable Rasperry Jameson Tarts

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Delicious Cherry Saint Tarts

The knife

Merciless Mediterranean Chicken Bake

Posted on the 11th of November at 06:57 pm
Current Music: Portal End Credits
We stumbled across this recipe while trying to find a Spanish style dish that would go with our bottle of Zinfandel. For those who DON'T know (like me before I bought it) that's a wine made from grapes that grow closer to the Mediterranean; it's popular in Spain and Portugal.

Anyway, we were looking for something kinda tomato based, but not pasta and nothing involving chorizo (while they're delicious, it's hard to do anything funky with them... everything just tastes like chorizo!).

A nice, simple recipe with a large amount of garlic and herbs... should be pretty easy right?

Wrong. This is the first meal we've screwed up in a while; it took the team two goes to get right, and even the second we could improve on. The good news is that it's delicious, and looks awesome. A suitably impressive and low maintenance dish that's great for when you have people over you want to impress. Just be careful you don't fuck it up. Like I did when I cooked it for my Mum :(

Anyway; here goes.

Merciless Mediterranean Chicken Bake



1.5kg CHICKEN - Thigh Fillets or legs
1kg New Potatoes. Or Desiree. Something that you can cook with the skin.
3 Tomatoes
100g Black Olives, sliced up
150g Semi-dried tomatoes
6 Cloves of Garlic, thinly sliced. (You could add less... but that'd be shit)
3 Sprigs of rosemary
150ml Dry White Wine
Salt
Pepper
Basil
Paprika

DIRECTIONS

Now, this seems simple, but you have to make sure you're RIGHT on with the cooking times, otherwise some parts of the dish will be overdone, and the other parts will be undercooked. And trust me, when your Mum is over, the last thing you want to be serving is undercooked chicken. She brought you into this world, it'd be quite rude if you took her out with an unintentional Salmonella assassination plot.

Fist up, partly boil the potatoes. You can cut them however you like; big and chunky is fine. They should be still inedible at this point, you just want to make sure they don't come out crunchy. Next, brown the chicken in a frying pan with a bit of olive oil. Simple enough so far? Right. Now, put the potatoes in the bottom of a casserole dish, put the chicken on top, then scatter all the other ingredients over the top, with the rosemary on top. Put in the oven at the appropriate temperature and cook until done. Serve with bread, and hopefully a Zinfandel.

.... What? You want some cooking directions? Well, usually I'd me more than happy to provide them, but in this case, I've got no idea. It'll depend on your oven, your cookware, the way the wind is blowing, the curvature of the earth and a council of wizards who sit in their towers and delight in screwing with innocent chicken recipes. ESPECIALLY when my Mum is around for dinner. Bastards.

As a guide, cook it for around an hour at 220 degrees... and don't think you'll just "pop the lid off and check to see if it's done...". Being covered with a layer of tasty tomato, garlic and rosemary, there is no real way to see how cooked your dinner is other than excavating a potato and a piece of chicken and slicing them open.

Sounds challenging eh? Well, the payoff is that this Merciless Mediterranian Chicken bake is SUPER tasty.

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Pre-Cooking... also pre-screwing up!
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MMMMM Delicious.... well, almost...

The knife

Degustation Project - Ginger Chili Squid Legs vs Garlic and Basil Pr0ns

Posted on the 16th of July at 07:08 pm
Current Music: Prodigy - Smack my Bitch up (Sub Focus DnB Remix)

Part One - Ginger Chili Squid Legs vs Garlic and Basil Pr0ns


(Degustation Remix feat fest_of_claw and letthembleed)



Right then, hopefully this Degustation project will span a few episodes... I warn you, anyone over at my house over the next month may be experimented on, with associated calls of "It's alive... ALIVE!"

The first part of this recipe is deceptively simple, but is so unfeasibly good that it's almost a meal in itself. The squid legs were an experiment... and it's true, they were totally called "Squid Legs" at my local fish shop. This place is in Burwood, Australia, and I shit you not, it's one of the best seafood places I've ever been. Some of their fillets are a bit sketchy, but they simply cannot be beaten on quality and freshness. Even their prawns and shellfish are huge and cheap.

I love squid. It's tasty, interesting and it reminds me of Cthullhu... what more could you want? Well, this entire recipe came from the fact that the "squid legs" were four dollars a kilo. For Americans that's about US$1.60 a pound if my calculations are correct (as unlikely as that is).

The concept of a Degustation is a lot of small courses, often picked to have very distinct and strong flavours... kinda like tapas, except there is a lot more difference between the dishes. They also don't have to come out all at once, which makes them easier to cook if you don't have an industrial kitchen.

Right - onto the recipes:

Garlic and Basil Pr0ns



A dish not to be underestimated. It's simple, not hugely innovative. But get them right and they Kick Ass

Ingredients

(For this to work, all ingredients must be fr3sh)

  • Pr0ns - About 1/2 kg (with shells) is good for 2-4 people.
  • Basil - 1/4 of a bunch
  • Parsley - 1/4 of a bunch
  • Garlic - a shitload. I used about 5 cloves and it wasn't enough. Go 6 or 7. Trust me.
  • 2 Large shallots
  • Black Pepper
  • Olive Oil - 100ml

Preparing this dish is simple, but pay close attention; it'll go from nicely cooked to burning in seconds! First, chop all the ingredients and put them in a bowl. Shell the prawns, leaving the tails on. Heat the oil in a large flat pan, add everything except the prawns and saute gently for a minute or so. Don't let the garlic turn more than a little brown! Now, crank the heat and let the oil heat up a bit. When it's hot, dump the pr0ns in and stir them quickly to coat. They should cook in around 30 seconds to a minute. I'm sure nobody would mind if you tasted them to make sure ;)

Serve with all the oil and garlicky goodness you can scrape out of the pan!

Ginger Chili Squid Legs



This dish is a bit more innovative, and has the added bonus of looking like something out of a HP Lovecraft story when you serve it!

Ingredients

  • "Squid Legs" - 1/2kg. That's tentacles folks :)
  • Ginger - About a 2x2 cube
  • Red Chili - 2 decent sized ones
  • Fish Sauce (a decent sized squirt)
  • 100ml Sesame oil
  • 1 Fresh Lime
  • 100ml Sweet Chili sauce
  • 1 Stalk of Lemongrass


First up, cut down the Lemongrass to a manageable length, then tie in a knot, making sure to bruise it well. Cut up the rest of the ingredients and get them ready.
Dump the oil in a pan and heat it a bit. Add the ginger and lightly fry for a bit... as with the pr0ns, before the ginger turns brown, crank the heat and dump the Squid Legs in! Stir them around a bit until the pan loses its heat, then dump in the fish sauce, sweet chili sauce and chopped chilies. Squid cooks really, really fast, so it should be ready almost as soon as the whole mixture is hot again. Grab one and give it a taste to make sure. Don't leave them too long or they'll be tough!

Now - here's the difference between the two. Most of the liquid here is the salty water from the squid legs. Drain it off, and put the squid legs in a bowl, then squeeze the lime juice over the top. Now, don't use any of that "Zomg fresh lime squeeze XD" crap. Pour that shit right down the godamn sink. You want it to taste fresh and citrusy, not like chemicals and plastic.

One hint - Degustation is about the flavours more than the 'size' of the dish, so I'd recommend serving this with some nice, soft white bread. That way people can scoop up the delicious oils and juices (especially popular with the garlic pr0ns!), and it'll fill you up a bit more too! This meal is VERY rich, I'd recommend serving with a dry White Wine, or my personal favourite, a thousand beers :)

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Two bowls ready to spin some Phat Eats

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Can't you just taste that garlic? And just see those tentacles... uh... wait...

The knife

Mussles steamed in white wine, tomato and bacon goodness

Posted on the 26th of June at 08:15 pm

Mussles steamed in white wine, tomato and bacon goodness



According to Anthony Bourdain, mussels should never be ordered in a Restaurant. According to him, "...mussels are allowed to wallow in their own foul-smelling piss in the bottom of a reach-in...". Sounds appealing right? Don't listen to him. Mussels are tasty, and if you are eating at a decent (i.e not shit) restaurant they'll be fine. If you're worried about getting food poisoning from a restaurant, maybe you shouldn't be eating there... maybe you should tell them to put their stinky dubious food in their ass.

... and try cooking them yourself!

This dish is so easy it's ridiculous. It's perfect for when there's not enough bacon for a big fry-up, and you don't feel like putting it in a pasta sauce.

Ingredients



2kg Live Black Mussels (Serves 4)
2 Medium brown onions
4 rashes of bacon
4 bay leaves
4 cloves of garlic
3 cans of chopped tomato
300ml White wine (Sauvignon blanc)
Herbs (Basil, Oregano, Parsley, thyme, whatever you like - Fresh is better)
Black Pepper
Salt (to taste)


First up you'll want to fry the onions and bacon a bit in olive and set them aside.

Get the biggest, widest saucepan you've got, since you don't want to stack the mussels too deeply in the pot. Fry the garlic in some olive oil until it browns, then add the white wine. When it starts to steam, add the onions and bacon, and stir them in. Wait until it starts to steam, then add the herbs and black pepper.

Now, add the mussels in a layer on the bottom of the pan, spreading them out as much as possible. If they come sealed with seawater, MAKE SURE YOU ADD THIS TOO! It's much better, since it's what the mussels have been soaking in! Cover the pot, then leave them to steam for about 2 minutes. Don't stir them, shake the pot to move them around.

After 2 minutes, check to see if they've started to open. If they have, add the tomatoes and give the whole pot a shake to mix them in. Cover and continue to cook for a further 5 minutes. By now all the mussels will be open; ladle them out into bowels, and use one of the mussels as a pincher to open and eat the rest. Make sure you serve with bread or something to soak up the tasty juices!


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The knife

Off the Hook Marinades

Posted on the 16th of June at 05:36 pm
Current Music: Anything by the Dropkick Murphys

Off the Hook Marinades



Another guest recipe, this time donated by the esteemed kaankuunt, thankfully this recipe does not involve either my blood, or a bottle of rum. Scotty's famous "Rum Steak" recipe is: Take a steak and put into a bowl with a bottle of rum. Cook the steak, eat the rum".


I've modified these a bit, but they're true to the simplicity of the originals - these are the bomb shit with chicken, and make a really easy, cheap way to feed a bunch of people!

Ingredients



Lemon

1 Longneck of beer
Juice of 2 lemons
1/2 tsp praprika
1 tsp salt
2-3tbl olive oil

Mint

1 Longneck of beer
Juice of 2 lemons
Juice of 1 large orange
1 tsp salt
150 ml of water
12 mint leaves crushed and shreded
2 tbl olive oil

Harrisa

1 Longneck of beer
1 tbl Harrisa mixed with 150 mls water
1/2 tsp of powdered corriander
1 tsp salt
3 tbl olive oil
Spash of lemon juice


Preparing these marinades is easier than falling of a log. It's even possible to make them after dining on "Rum Steak" for lunch! First up, drink the long neck. This is important, and ensures that the marinades are prepared correctly.

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The proper method of preparation


Mix all of the ingredients in a bowl, then add the chicken. Make sure the marinade covers as much of the chicken as possible, if it doesn't, use a smaller bowl!

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Marinated! The long neck is well an truly empty by now :)

Leave the chicken to marinate for at least 2 hours, preferably 4 or 5. Cook in the oven for about 45 minutes, covered with as much of the marinade as you can. Turn when halfway done and base with the marinade in the baking pan!

Best served with beer while watching Football, Deadwood or Eurovision :)

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I think this was the Harissa one. It lasted about 4 seconds before being devoured!

The knife

Яussian Pie

Posted on the 13th of May at 04:39 pm
Current Music: The Acid Never Lies - Riot in Belgium

Яussian Pie



A staple food of the Russian officer cadre from 1952 until the fall of communism, this pie was instrumental in preventing Global Thermonuclear War on a number of occasions. In fact, historians point to this dish being a deciding factor in the signing of the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT II) by Jimmy Carter and Leonid Brezhnev in 1979. Initially reluctant to give up the US advantage in long range strategic nuclear weapons, President Carter was swayed by the delicious, delicious pie. Most famously, after his third slice he was heard to exclaim "Godamn it Leonid, that's one mighty fine pie. Where's that damn pen?"

Unfortunately, since the breakup of the Soviet Union, this pie has had a much lesser role in International Politics. Russia's influence has become much more regionally based, and despite the Commonwealth of Independent states still possessing significant nuclear assets, Russian Pie does not have the same positive impact on the world stage.

And President Bush doesn't like Iraqi pie.

Ingredients



400g Salmon
1 Bunch Lemon Thyme
Paprika
1 glass white wine
100g Rice
5 Eggs
350g Mushrooms
4 shallots
Salt
Semolina
Pepper
Puff Pastry
Melted Butter

Right - the first part is fiddly, there's lots of stuff to do at once, but don't stress. Nothing is really timebound, you can do all these things one by one if you like.

1. Poach the Salmon in water with a glass of white wine, 3/4 of the lemon thyme, half a tablespoon of paprika, and some lemon juice. When it's about done, take it off the heat and let it cool in the cooking juices. Before serving flake it off into small chunks.

2. Hard boil 4 of the eggs, when they're ready slice them up lengthways.

3. Chop the mushrooms and shallots, lightly fry them in butter with some salt and pepper. DON'T be tempted to add garlic. I know you want to... but seriously, the recipe doesn't need it.

4. Cook the Semolina. It's cooked kinda like Cous Cous, and you really don't need that much.

5. Cook the rice. That part's easy.

Once everything is ready it's time to start assembling the pie. Grease your pie dish and get it ready with some puff pastry... now layer the ingredients in, one layer at a time. Rice first, then the flaked salmon. The mushrooms and shallots go next, followed by the semolina which you spread in a layer over the other ingredients. Finally, lay the hard boiled egg slices and cover the pie with another sheet of puff pastry. Beat the final egg and brush it over the whole pie. Make sure you use some excess pastry to decorate it!

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Here's the interior workings of the Pie.

Bake in the oven for 30-35 minutes at 230 degrees, and serve very hot and topped with melted butter. Make sure you save a slice for your NKVD minder!

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Pie for the Motherland!

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Preventing nuclear war since 1952...

The knife
Posted on the 5th of May at 11:53 am
....or

Cherry Flan



Desserts always a challenge for me. I haven't got a very sweet tooth, and I love delicious beer and wine, which seldom goes very well with a sweet desert. I'll often skip desert to drink more beer... if you're lucky enough to have access to a desert beer, the winner is indeed you. In the USA we found one called Pyramid Apricot Heffeweisen, which was the bomb shit. Anyway, I have a history of failing miserably at desserts...

This is another traditional recipe, so it is pretty light on the ingredients, focusing instead on the actual technique of cooking. While it's simple, it's also tricky to get exactly right especially when it comes to presentation. You'll probably need to practice this one until it looks perfect, but that's ok, since even if it doesn't look 100%, it's still delicious :)

Ingredients



Shortcrust pastry (either bought, or make your own)
Butter
4 Eggs
2 cups of Milk
Vanilla (essence or a pod)
Cherries (I used black cherries)
100 ml Double Cream
Castor sugar
Bakings Beans (or lentils, or rice...)

First up you'll need to Blind Bake the flan case. Grease a pie dish (or flan ring), and lightly dust flour on the top. Press your shortcrust pastry into the dish and trim the edges. Try to keep a thicker edge around the top to stop it shrinking. Cover the whole thing with either foil or greaseproof paper, and lay a double handful of baking beans (or rice, or lentils) in the center, this will stop the middle rising. Bake in a 200 degree oven for about 10-12 minutes, then take it out and remove the foil/paper. Now, glaze the whole thing with a beaten egg, and return to the oven for a further 4-5 minutes. When it's done, it should be golden and pretty dry. The pastry under the filling won't cook much more in the later stages...

There's very little humor in this recipe, desserts are a serious business, certainly not to be trifled with. Concentration is the key if you want your dessert to be truly flantastic!

If you're using tinned cherries, drain the syrup and set aside. The topping for the flan is a type of baked egg custard, and it's not too difficult. Boil the milk with the vanilla, but watch out.... it'll go from simmering to boiling over in a second! Watch it carefully! Stir in the cream once you've taken the milk off the heat. Beat 3 eggs (and whatever you've got left from glazing the pastry) with 150g of Castor sugar. More or less sugar if you want a sweeter/more savoury flan. Now, combine the mixture in a bowl, and whisk until it's cool. It won't thicken and will take a while, so if you've got someone else to help you make sure you give them this job so you can attend to your beer. Line the base of the flan with the cherries, and gently spoon the custard mixture on top until the flan is full. Sprinkle a little bit of caster sugar on top, then bake in a 190 degree oven for about 40 minutes.

When it's ready, cut with a sharp knife, and serve with a cake wedge. The custard is delicate, and if you're not careful it'll fall off and end up a cherry filled mess in the bowls! This flan can be served either lukewarm or cold, so leave it to sit for 20-30 minutes after you take it from the oven.

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Not too bad for a first try - This dessert is not as sweet as it looks! Sprinkle with some caster sugar if desired, and serve with double cream and delicious Apricot Weizen. And save one of those apricot weizen's for me!

The book

Curlotte de Bouef aux Poireaux Á la BiÉre

Posted on the 5th of May at 11:01 am
Current Music: Muse - Knights of Cydonia
...or

Rump of Beef with Leeks and Beer




Leet Eats first foray into French cooking, spearheaded by our leet panzer divisions under the command of letthembleed.

The ingredient we decided for this edition's recipe was Leeks, and with the help of the Larousse Gastronomique (which pwns) the choice was easy. Who could resist a stew made with delicious beer?

Leeks are part of the onion family, so we decided to add some embellishments to the recipe. The Gastronomique is collated in part from pre-1900 recipes, many of which taste odd to our palates today, we thought that we'd be able to get away with adding our own leet touch to the classic recipe...

Ingredients



1kg of Rump/Chuck/gravy Beef
1kg Leeks
1 litre of Pale Ale (we used 3 bottles of Coopers Green)
1 bunch fresh Thyme
1 Bunch fresh shallots
Dried Basil
Salt
Pepper
50 g Butter

Optional Extras
500g Potatoes
4 Cloves Garlic
Fresh Bread

For true authenticity, you should be making this recipe in a stripy shirt, beret, and while smoking a thin, vile cigarette. If you don't have any of these tools, just act really snooty and I'm sure you'll get the same effect...

First chop up the beef, potatoes, leeks and shallots. The Leeks you'll want to cut into large rings, and only the tasty white bits are used, dump the green bits. Beef in about 1 inch chunks, same with the potatoes. Strip the thyme from the stems. From here, everything goes into a casserole pot with a lid, mix it so all the pieces are evenly distributed and season with salt, pepper, thyme, basil and the garlic sliced very finely.

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Ingredients in the Casserole pot. We didn't use garlic and Potato in this one you may notice.

Now comes my favourite part: Open up the beer. Drink the beer, and open another. Drink this, then open another. At this point you're best off adding three bottles to the casserole pot, unless you've used the "I need beer for this recipe, and it's better value to get a case..." reasoning. If so, well done! Reward yourself with another beer!

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Mmmmmm... beery.

Drop the 50g of butter in the mixture, and bring slowly to the boil on your stovetop. At this point, it looks pretty disgusting, but have faith (and another beer)... Once it's boiled, put it in the oven at 160 degrees for three hours. That's right, see where the whole getting a case of beer comes in handy? Now you can indulge in the traditional French passtime of lounging around, drinking and talking crap with your friends.

Once the three hours is up, take the casserole dish out of the oven, break up some good french bread, and serve! If you're out of beer by now (and it has been three hours after all), you'll have to make do with a nice Red wine.

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Bon Appétit!

The knife

Hektic Moroccan Burgers

Posted on the 28th of February at 09:44 pm
Current Music: Personal Sabotage
Fully Sik Bro!

Genuine Moroccan Lamb is actually quite hard to come by. In their native land they're genetically bonded with Mint and Cumin at the cellular level for extra eating pleasure! Unfortunately, this makes them quite stressed, as they have to go through their whole lives knowing that they are, in fact delicious... and there is only one fate in store for them.

To be eaten by you, the reader! In Morocco, it's easy to make these - grab your Lamb or Cow, cut of a bit, cook, then eat! Unfortunately, we don't have Genetically Modified products here in Australia, so we'll have to make to with fresh herbs and spices...

This is an easy recipe that will take you about 15 minutes to make from start to finish. It's also very suitable to production-lining, or otherwise making a shitload of. How you cook them doesn't matter at all either. You could BBQ a thousand at once, or pan-fry two and they'd turn out just fine! Of course, they're also innovative enough so you'll impress your friends and family... because what would cooking be without basking in the devoted adoration of the people you've just fed? :)



Hektic Moroccan Burgers



Ingredients


Burgers
800g Lamb (or Beef)
1/2 bunch of fresh mint
Cumin
Black Pepper
1 Egg
Breadcrumbs
1 clove of garlic

Mint Yoghurt
400g Continental Yoghurt
1/2 bunch of mint
1 peeled and diced cucumber
1 clove of garlic
1 tablespoon lemonjuice

Ok.... this is a pretty simple recipe. And when I say pretty simple, I mean VERY simple. In fact, you could probably make this recipe, work on calculus and practice your ninja skills all at the same time! Hmmmm... now I'm stalling in an attempt to make the directions seem complicated. I think it's a rule that the instructions need to be longer than the ingredient list.... right? right?

Ugh. Fine.

Step 1 - Take the Burger stuff, and mix it. You'll need at least a tablespoon of Cumin, possibly more. Roll it into balls then flatten it. Don't add flour, that makes it shit. Crush or chop the clove of garlic.

Step 2 - Take the Mint Yoghurt stuff, and uh... mix it. In a bowl. It doesn't really matter what sort of bowl, it could be big, or small, or even square if you really want. Oh yeah, the diced cucumber should be exact 8mm cubes! This is very important.

Now cook the burgers any way you like. Grill, pan, oven, BBQ, however you like. Serve with lettuce, onion and tomato on turkish bread, and spoon LOTS of the mint yoghurt on the top. Trust me on that, you'll have people dipping their last bits of bread into the mint yoghurt on their plate by the time they're done...

And there you have it. Six lines of directions, and that was with leet year 10 essay padding skills! Who said all those years of essay writing were futile eh? :)

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Wow, funky angle! Cmon, I had to make up for the simplicity of this message somehow!

The book

Orange Marinated Chicken Fajitas

Posted on the 15th of February at 12:59 am
Current Music: Cubanate - Hatesong
Not only is this the first Leet Eats update in AGES, it's also a guest entry! I know, I know, I've been slack... not that cooking hasn't happened, there's been some amazing recipes... tequila marinated pr0k, mediteranian trout salad with croutons, Cold soba salad with peanut sauce, Hokkien noodles with marinated salmon... Full of tasty. If you want the latest recipe, feel free to shame my by posting a comment! Anyway - on to today's (or this quarter's!) recipe. - Frank

ZOMG A Leet Eats guest entry! Expect the next serving of culinary delight to be Pig a l'Armée de l'Air...

This is a recipe I've been wanting to try for a while, having put up with the hideous packet mix Fajitas for too long. It actually turned out to be extremely simple and very tasty indeed.

The recipe is from a Santa Fe cookbook - kind of a mix between Mexican, Tex mex, and a few throwbacks to traditional Spanish crusine.

The only tricky part is getting your hands on a Can of Death. This is a fiendish little tin of smoked jalapeno peppers (Chipoltles) and tomato sauce which can be found at International arms conferences and the Essential Ingredient. If you can't find an illegal arms dealer to procure one a few spoons of ordinary salsa can replace the tomato but the smokey flavour can only really come from chipoltles which you can find at Herbies. (There is also a sort of Brown Tabasco sauce - Tabasco Chipolte, which would do the trick, but it's quite hard to find. The continental food shop in Artarmon has some - Frank)

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This is a half defused Can of Death. The AA battery is there not only to illustrate how small a can it actually is but also because eating the contents of the battery would result in significantly less pain and burning.

The salsas and coleslaw were excellent accompaniments to the meal but can be changed and substituted to your taste. LIES - Frank

Orange Marinated Chicken Fajitas



Ingredients:

Marinade
3 Large oranges, peeled and chopped into pieces
1 medium onion
3 minced garlic cloves
1/3 cup coriander (roots n all)
1/2 a Can of Death
4 sprigs fresh rosemary or 2 teaspoons dried
4 sprigs fresh thyme or 1 teaspoon dried
4 springs fresh oregano or 2 teaspoons dried
Salt
6 Chicken breasts, trimmed of fat and cut or pounded flat to about 1cm thickness.

Put all the marinade ingredients in a food processor and pulse until you have a fairly thick, lumpy paste. Coat the chicken in the mixture and put in a plastic or non-reactive dish and cover with the rest of the marinade. Place in the fridge for 12-24 hours.

Before cooking, wipe any excess marinade off the chicken (or it will just burn) and season with salt. Grill on a very hot BBQ until done (Until done? Wtf is this, take a thousand eggs or more?!?! A few minutes each side should be enough - not too much or it will be dry - Frank) and then cut into strips.

Santa Fe Coleslaw



500g red cabbage, white parts removed.
1 medium cucumber
5 spring onions
1 red capsicum
1 yellow capsicum
2 celery sticks
1 large carrot, shredded.
1 small onion

Dressing
65ml lime juice
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 tablespoon hot pepper sauce
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt

Cut everything into thin attractive shapes, mix the dressing ingredients and pour over the vegetables. Leave to sit at room temperature for half an hour to mix the flavours, tossing often. This is a VERY interesting and colourful Coleslaw, and a lot more crunchy and tasty than the traditional iceberg lettuce and crappy diced tomatos.

Guacamole - The way it should be



3 very ripe avocados
1 small tomato, finely diced
1/2 a small purple onion, finely diced
2 pickled jalapeños, finely diced.
1 small clove of garlic, minced
Juice of one or two limes or lemons
Chopped coriander to taste
Salt to taste
Pepper (lots!)

Scoop the avocado flesh into a bowl and mash with a fork, immediately squeeze over the lime or lemon juice so it doesn't go brown. Add the rest of the ingredients and season well with salt and lots of pepper. Stir the ingredients through and serve with some more chopped coriander on top.

Pico de Gallo



This salsa literally means 'Roosters Beak'. It's nice and fresh. All the ingredients should be chopped to about the same size and texture. You will need:

2 medium tomatoes, diced
1 medium red onion, diced
2 pickled jalapeños, finely diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 big bunch of fresh coriander, chopped
3 tablespoons of olive oil
3 tablespoons red wine vinegar

Combine all the ingredients in a bowl, season with salt and toss well. Leave to stand at room temperature for an hour or so to let the vinegar take some of the bite out of the onion and garlic.

Serve all these ingredients together with some grated cheese, large flour tortillas and sombreros. Enjoy.


Ok, so we didn't have sombreros, but we did have beer, a pool, and a gigantic house fitted out with awesome cooking equipment, 3 bars, and a great view. Did I mention the three bars? Here are some pictures of the results - Frank

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The Venue just as we were about to eat. Oh yeah.

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The Coleslaw at rest...

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We must have startled it!

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Guacamole and the Salsa (Make sure there are NO corn chips around, otherwise there will be none left for the Fajitas! Trust me on this....)

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The Final Product- We r in ur base, eatin ur mexican! Note the cook in the left who couldn't even wait until I'd taken the GODAMN picture!

The knife

Actung! Panzer Burger!

Posted on the 22nd of August at 07:27 pm
Current Music: VNV Nation - Epicentre
In the winter of 1936, General Heinz Guderian began work on "Achtung - Panzer!", a book that was to revolutionise Burger tactics for the duration of the Second World War. In the course of this influentual work, Guderian stresses the importance of an armoured juggernaut of sourdough bread to fix hunger in place, before it is smashed by the might of a pork and veal patty with mustard support. This "combined arms" approach to burgers was to form the lynchpin of both NATO and the Warsaw Pact's Burger doctrine throughout the Cold War.

Guderian was also well aware of the differing needs of the German Army and Air Force in Burger construction, so "Achtung - Panzer!" recommended the construction of two different burgers, both working of the same basic chassis but with significant differences.

Ingredients



Burger Chassis

600g Pork and Veal mince
100g Speck (finely diced)
1 Brown onion (finely diced)
1 Egg
Bunch of Fresh Parsley (finely diced)
Dried Mint
Cumin
Paprika

Wehrmacht Burger

Sourdough Bread
100g Speck (sliced thickly)
1 small onion
Camembert Cheese
Tomato
Lettuce
German (or other Axis power) Mustard
Pickles

Luftwaffe Burger

Rye Bread
1 tin sliced Peaches
100ml Maple Syrup
Raw Sugar
Blue Cheese
Lettuce


First, take all the Chassis ingredients and mix in a large bowl. Be generous with the spices, the mixture should smell quite tasty. In fact, you've actually just made a scandinavian dish, and you could eat it now... though I don't recommend it. Roll the mixture into balls (this will make 4 huge burgers, or 5 normal sized ones), and flatten out on a chopping board covered with flour. These will contract when you cook them, so make them quite thin if you can. Cook on a medium-high heat for about 10-15 minutes, making sure the pan is well oiled so they don't dry out and burn.

For the Wehrmacht burger, simply slice the lettuce, tomato and camenbert. Chop and fry the onion, adding the slices of speck when the onion is almost done. Add LOTS of mustard - Guderian was emphatic about the necessity of mustard for the Wehrmacht burger, stating that "Keine sauf ist sheisse. Add the ingredients together while the burger is still hot so the Camembert melts. Serve on thickly sliced Sourdough bread.

The Luftwaffe burger contains both caramelised peaches and blue cheese, so it's not for the faint hearted! I myself thought the combination was as impossible as an armoured assault through the Ardennes... Combine 100ml Maple Syrup, 100ml of water and two tablespoons of raw sugar in a saucepan and bring to the boil. Add the peaches and continue stirring until the peaches are slightly brown. The Blue cheese is best placed between the meat and the peaches, as the heat will melt it and spread the strong taste throughout the burger. Mustard is optional on this burger - the cheese and the peaches will probably overwhelm the taste! A hearty Rye of dark sourdough is best for this burger.

Of course, every burger assault needs fuel, in this case a good Larger or Pilsner!

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Guderian's mighty Panzer Burger factory in Bavaria

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The might of the Wehrmacht Panzer Burger!

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The veteran Luftwaffe Burger!

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"Whenever in future wars the battle against hunger is fought, panzer burgers will play the decisive role" - Heinz Guderian, 1937

The knife

Haloumi and Grilled Vegetable Salad

Posted on the 17th of August at 08:45 pm
Current Music: Games Without Frontiers (Pop Will Eat Itself version)
I feel slightly ashamed about this one... the original recipe came from a low fat-low carb book! But it's ok so long as you balance the meal with something fatty or greasy! I'm thinking of having hash browns for desert... of perhaps just main-lining some ice cream...

Anyway, with bugger all carbs and fat, nobody can resist this Salad! Muhahhahaha!!

Ingredients



1 packet Haloumi
2 medium red capsicums
1 medium eggplant
Bunch of Rocket
1 Small red onion
Crushed Garlic
Black Pepper
Lemon Juice
Olive Oil
Sugar

For a simple salad, this is pretty tricky to set up, especially if you're using it as an accompaniment to a main. It's also quite flavoursome, so it goes well with something that contrasts it in taste.

First up, grill the capsicum until the skin blackens. Take them out of the grill and seal them in an ice cream container while you put the eggplant in the grill. You can just grill them in slabs then cut them up later. Once the egggplant is cooking away, peel the capsicum and slice it into strips. While you're doing that, cut up the block of haloumi into slices about 5mm thick. Wait... While you're slicing the capsicum? That's right... this recipe is tricky, I got a kitchen minion to help me (and keep the wine glass full).

Fry the Haloumi on high heat in a bit of olive oil, Black pepper, lemon juice and the garlic. You want to lightly toast each side to give it the strange crunchy-soft texture. While doing this (that 4 armed chef from Futurama would be good at this), the eggplant should be ready, so cut it into strips the same size as the Capsicum. Slice the Onion finely too while you're getting the haloumi out... by now, the kitchen should be in a godawful mess because you've been madly cooking, slicing, flipping, frying and otherwise running about. Time to make it more messy!

Toss everything but the Haloumi in a salad bowl, and make up the dressing. 3/4 Lemon Juice and 1/4 olive oil, a bit of pepper, and a teaspoon of sugar to sweeten the lemon juice. Chuck the Haloumi on top, then cover with the dressing... now it's time for a well deserved mess, and hopefully, someone else to clean up the kitchen!

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Oh yes... look at that tasty cheese... mmmmm....

The knife

Mini Cthullhu stuffed with Parmesan Risotto

Posted on the 15th of August at 09:42 pm
Current Music: Metallica - Hastur (of course)
The internet is DANGEROUS for recipes. The fact of the matter is that there are more people who can cook than can't, so there are more crap recipes on the internet than there is pr0n. The worst are the user submitted ones... unless of course they're submitted by the Leet Eats crew!

Anyway, this recipe did come from the internet... in fact, it came from this strange site with odd angles and colours that I swore that my video card didn't support. Trawling through the site, I found strange symbols... clicking on them I was taken to a page titled "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu is stuffed with tastiness"

After many hours puzzling over the strange and unfamiliar text, I was able to decipher what seemed like a list of ingredients!

Ingredients



1 Medium whole squid per person
Brown onion (one per 2 squid)
1 clove of garlic (per squid)
Fresh Chives
Fresh Parsley
Fresh Basil
Short or medium grain rice (enough to fill the squids)
Parmesan cheese

Tin of chopped Tomatoes (one per 2 squid)
Minced Garlic
Dried Basil
Dried Oregano
Salt
Cracked Pepper

I started to get a hungry at this point, the font and the colours seeming to leave a delicious after-image superimposed on my vision even when I looked away... But the promise of tastiness was too intriguing. I had to press on. The next symbols seemed to be some sort of ancient cooking ritual... what follows is a transcript.

Take the blessed squid and clean them well. Remove the cartilage and ink, discard everything but the tentacles... Cook the sacred rice, and lightly fry the garlic and half the onion in olive oil with some salt and pepper. Add also to this the chopped tentacles. Now roughly chop the herbs, and add them to the fried mixture while it is still warm. Add the mixture to the sacred rice, fresh from the rice cooker of Al Hazred, and mix with a tablespoon of shredded parmesan per squid... Behold the risotto that will fill the blessed squid! This special ceremonial mixture can also be used in the "Take to work for lunch tomorrow" ritual

By now I my stomach was growling. My eyes watered and I had strange visions of giant simmering octopods surfacing out of Tomato seas ... but there was still more to the ritual, and I was determined to continue.

Take the Ceremonial Risotto, and stuff it into the cleaned squid hoods. Seal the ends with a skewer. Now prepare the Sauce of Ages - Take the onion, and again lightly fry it with minced garlic this time, add black pepper and the tinned tomatoes. Add some dried oregano and basil for flavour, then lay the sealed squid in the simmering mixture. Add some chopped chili if you desire a spicier dish. Simmer them for 6-8 minutes

Suddenly, my mouth started salivating... whatever the strange origins of this ritual, it was certainly awakening a power vast an ancient... a dark and hungry god stirred in his sleep.

Test the squid at the sealed end, when they are almost done add the rest of the chopped herbs. Once the herbs are wilted, take the Ceremonial Risotto filled squid out and serve on a plate covered with the Sauce of Ages. Sprinkle some more shaved parmesan over the top, and serve with crusty bread... Ia! Yum! Full of tastiness

I was now almost overcome with hunger and desire for this precious, tasty meal... it had to be mine, and damn the consequences!

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The Blessed Squid in all their slimy glory!

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The Ceremonial Risotto! Ia! Yum!

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A dark and tasty God stirs... simmering octopods surface in a sea of tomato...

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All praise the Stuffed with Tastiness god! Ia! Yum! Full of Tastiness!

(;€


The knife

Nori wrapped Salmon with Wasabi mashed potato. From God.

Posted on the 10th of July at 09:23 pm
Current Music: Skinny Puppy - Pro-test
I actually got this recipe from someone else - but since starting eating it, I've become addicted. That's right, at least once a month I make this meal, mince it up and inject it directly into my veins, thus experiencing the tastyness rush without the tiresome chewing, swallowing and digestion process...

Actually, that's a lie. I think injecting Wasabi would kill me :)

Anyway - onto the delectable god-like awesomeness that is this recipe!

Ingredients



Salmon steaks (as much as you like. Scales on is actually better)
Nori seaweed
Potatos
Wasabi
Black Pepper
Butter

"What? But where are all the ingredients? This recipe isn't nearly Leet enough!!"
Don't worry... this meal is all about simplicity. Pretend you're a Samurai or something. If you feel it's not impressive enough, try cooking the entire recipe speaking in badly dubbed English, it adds to the authenticity!

First up, cut the Salmon up into pieces about the size of two bits of sushi next to each other. About 5cm by 2.5 cm is probably the maximum, but it will really depend on what size salmon you've got. If you want to cut the scales off that's fine, but it works quite well with the scales too. Next, cut the Nori seaweed lengthways, into strips about 2cm less wide than the Salmon itself. Now, take the seaweed and wrap a length around each bit of salmon in the middle, so there's about 1cm of salmon sticking out each end. If you wet your fingers you should be able to stick down the last bit so it's like a little package of awesomeness.

When this is done, take the potatoes that have been boiling merrily for the past 20 minutes or so. If you haven't put them on yet, best to jump in the time machine, go back and meet your previous self to remind them to put the potatos on... anyway, take the potatoes and mash 'em up however you like them - milk, butter, whatever you prefer. Now add the Wasabi and mix it in well. How much is up to you, just add it gradually and mix it well, tasting and adding until you like it. Don't leave little surprise nuggets of pure wasabi unless you want to have a good laugh at the expense of whoever's eating with you... unless of course you get one of those little nuggets themselves. Leave it on a low heat - once the Wasabi is mixed in it's pretty much done.

Grab a flat frying pan, add some oil or butter and heat it up. Not to supernova heat, just slightly smoking. Now, add the salmon, cook for as long as you like, flip, then cook the other side. How long? As long as you like! If you like sashimi, cook it a bit less... if you prefer cooked fish up to 2 minutes each side. Generally it'll take no longer than 45 seconds each side - they should still be pink in the middle.

Take them out of the pan, and serve them on the wasabi mash. Melt some butter in the same pan really quickly and put a teaspoon over each serving of salmon. Serve with Asian greens, or whatever salad takes your fancy. Two or three salmon pieces is enough per person, but more is better, because they're so tasty they make grown men cry. And not just from the Wasabi.

Do not under any circumstances underestimate this meal. It is the shit

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Little parcels of awesomeness

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You don't understand how tasty this is...

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Barely enough to satisfy. The salad is suffering from performance anxiety. Poor salad :(

The knife

Thai Kangaroo Salad (Broome Edition)

Posted on the 14th of June at 07:29 pm
Current Music: Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes
Kangaroos were first introduced to Thailand in 1892, and received the vote in 1956. Today, they are hunted mercilessly for their sweet, sweet flesh and database administration skills.

Bet you didn't know that? But as we all know, the site's not about photography, or education... or even spelling. It's about food!

Thai Beef Salad is an awesome dish - great in summer at barbies, or when eating a big cooked meal is too hot. It's light, and about as healthy as you can get other than injecting lettuce into your veins. But while on a trip to Broome, the Leet Eats crew noticed that Roo was cheaper than beef... "Hmmmm" we thought. And so was born:

Ingredients



Kangaroo Steak (250g per cucumber)
Lebanese Cucumber
Spring Onion (or shallots)
Red Capsicum
Bunch of fresh Coriander
Bunch of fresh Long Leaf Mint
Fish Sauce
Lemon Juice

This recipe is criminally easy, but requires a bit of courage. First up, cook the Kangaroo. You need to sear the outside, but leave the meat very rare in the middle. So rare that it bleeds! If you've ever eaten Beef Tataki from a Japanese restaurant, that's the rarity you're looking for. This takes courage - don't listen to people who complain that it's "Not cooked", YOU are the cook, make them do the washing up once they've been proven wrong! Once it's cooked, which should take a couple of minutes, no more, set it aside in a bowl to catch the meat juices. Once it's cool, cut it up into strips as thin as you can (use a good knife) and set it aside.

Now, cut up the rest of the stuff. Cut the cucumber, onion and capsicum nice and thin so you can get a lot on your fork, and just roughly cut up the herbs and chuck the lot into another bowl, preferably one with a lid.

In another bowl, mix the fish sauce, lemon juice and meat juices. How much will depend on how much dressing you want, and as a general rule it should be "well dressed". Not black tie or anything, but there should be a pool of dressing at the bottom of the serving bowl. Now, this step also takes courage, because the dressing smells awful. Like a combination of anchovies and vomit actually. Everyone will say that it smells horrible, but don't listen to them! Make them go to the bottle shop and buy you a case of beer once they've gobbled up every morsel on their plate! Trust me, the dressing will only look, taste and smell good once it's actually on the salad. It's a sour and salty sauce that complements the herbs, meat and relatively bland vegies.

Combine the meat and vegetables in a pot, put the lid on and shake it really well to mix it up. It needs to be well mixed, so tossing won't cut it. Whack it in a salad bowl, pour the dressing on, and serve. Now, revel and enjoy in the pleas for forgiveness! Taste their tears! Of course they were wrong! Of course you are the best cook ever! NOW GET WASHING UP! AND BRING ME MORE BEER!

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Cooking Roo - Super hot pan, only cook it for a few seconds!

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If it bleeds, we can eat it!

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The Salad, the Dressing, and a knife as sharp as the devil himself...

The knife

The b33r ninjas take Broome

Posted on the 28th of May at 03:21 am
Current Mood: good
Stay tuned for updates.

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